5 days of riding on a quarter tank of gas, with no shape up while gazing at the throne, made me realize how broke Jay-Z & Kanye West really can make you feel. And to make things worse, I just watched these two in the “Otis” video, treat a brand new Maybach like a car in the bonus round of Street Fighter 2. A 40 year old multi-millionaire, with a snapback and a blowtorch. If that’s not the epitome of swag, I don’t know what is. But while I’m listening to “Watch The Throne” with the gas light shining bright in my face, I realized something. Some poor rapper out there right now, just met a chick off Twitter and feels nothing but disappointment and deceit. Last week I gave you the guidelines on how to avoid embarrassment behind the DM backlots, now I have to warn you about these fallacious twitcons scattered about in these treacherous streets.
I’m going to keep it absolutely real with y’all, ever since Photoshop was invented, 75% of fat girls stopped going to the gym. It’s a fact b, ask Jeeves if you don’t believe me. Why go to the gym when they can look how they wanna look with just a few clicks of a computer mouse? With the combination of Photoshop and taking a picture from a mysterious angle, fat girls have the ability to appear as everything BUT fat.
They’ll take a picture from the side, with their other arm conveniently covering their stomach, and you foolish coons fall for it every time. Or ALL their pictures are taken from the collarbone up, and you niggas STILL take that road trip to meet them. You niggas gotta smarten up. I’m not gonna front, in my early Twitter days I made a rookie mistake, a pure novice error. I went out and met a girl off of ONE twitcon. No twitpics, no pictures sent to my phone, she reeled me in with just one measly twitcon b. Not to mention it was just a head shot. I know I know, the thirst took over me I couldn’t help it, it was the best head shot off ALL time! But of course, she looked NOTHING like how she did on my timeline. So I had no choice but to report her as spam, and flea the scene abruptly. That’s what you do when you meet a chick offline that looks better online, you report her directly to those spam offices for false identity. This is what Jesus would expect you to do.
Enlarging a twitcon is just like when the lights come in the club, it’s the moment of truth. But now these hoes have new tactics, a new trick up their sleeve they use to fool us all, and it’s all in one single application…..Instagram. An iPhone app handcrafted by God himself, put here to give all unattractive women across the globe, hope and a new life. Shit is realer than ever right now, and they are NOT playing fair. Not only do regular niggas like me have to be careful, but so do you rappers.
You guys are the biggest targets in the sea of potential victims. “Objects in twitcon are less desirable than they appear “, we all need to live by these words when we sign in to our Twitter accounts. You niggas can’t rely all your thirst on one single twitcon b. You should know that her default picture is her BEST picture at the time, and she probably needed 5 or 6 attempts to make it perfect. In order to get a real idea of what she looks like in person, you have to dig deeper than the profile pic.
Twitpic, Lockerz, Yfrog, whatever service she uses to upload pictures for her followers to see, that’s what you should be swimming through before you backflip off the high-dive into her DMs. This is where all the proof is, body pics, photos of her out with her friends, everything.
Pictures of her out partying are your best bet. She’s not making several attempts to make her face look good from a perfect angle in these. These pictures are mostly 1 shot deals. If she doesn’t look attractive in these, lock her away behind the unfollowed tombs. Along with twitpic history, if she has a Facebook link in her bio, somersault over there and request her immediately. Not only is her library of photos bigger on Facebook, but you can tell if she’s a hoe or not by the niggas she lets post on her wall. This is all fact, I wouldn’t lie to you. #CheckHerTwitpicsBeforeYouFollow, #SkypeBeforeYouMeetHer, simple procedures everybody should follow before meeting someone off Twitter.Com.
Aight, well I’m outta here yo, I still gotta find the twitter pages that belong to all the girls in the backseat of that Maybach in the Otis video. And I STILL haven’t started to saw the roof and the doors off the Nissan yet. Ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool.
Oh, and remember, you will never be wifey material if your wifi doesn’t have a passcode…..#FACT
Sincerely
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