Shit is getting incredibly real out here ladies and gentlemen. Shit is real, in and all the way around the field right now. J. Cole songs are making people fall asleep at the wheel, causing pile ups across the nation, DMX & Busta Rhymes just unleashed 3 and a 1/2 minutes of audio terrorism on the “Otis” beat, and your man Lowkey still has a goddamn Christmas tree up in the middle of August. Yo if you walk into anybody’s house in the middle of the summer, and they still have a Christmas tree up….call the fuckin’ cops b. Anyway, that’s not even the worst of what’s going on in these terrifying streets. The type of shit happening deep inside of the DM underground railroad is what’s remarkably breathtaking.
Money is the root of all evil right? Nope! DMs on Twitter are. We all are familiar with the diabolical DM button, a.k.a the home of the behind the curtain backstage thirst. The place where victims of the spine tingling screen cap are embarrassed on our timeline’s at least twice a week. The place where we go to whisper “private” sweet nothings to the twitcons we fall in lust with.
Well a couple days ago, while I was cruising down DM boulevard with a full tank of thirst, @JoeBudden posted a tweet that sent a cold sharp chill through my body. I knew shit was dangerous behind those DM back blocks, but I had no idea shit was THAT fuckin’ real! Luckily, I wasn’t the poor soul Joe Budden caught slippin. But it made me realize, you really have absolutely no idea who the person truly is on the receiving end of those parched DMs. It really could be ANYBODY. At that point, I had no choice but to take immediate precautions before my DMs were dusted for finger prints.
You niggas ain’t gonna see me on an episode of Thirst 48, no way no how. But the thing is, I’m just a regular nigga with unpaid parking tickets that enjoys Simply Lemonade raspberry and Apple products. Even though a few people might have to get shot, me getting my DMs exposed wouldn’t be career ruining like it could be for a famous rapper.
See, Joe Budden had the power to expose whoever the dehydrated culprit was to the world, but he chose to keep it tucked underneath his durag tail. In situations similar to this, a lot of you out there weren’t so lucky, and had your thirsty little secrets leaked to the masses. Remember what happened to Young Dro? This had to be the thirstiest shit I ever laid my two eyes on. You can’t even read those messages without getting cotton-mouth. You rappers out there do NOT want this to be you. Just ask yourself this one question. What would you rather have leak, your album or your DMs?….Yeah I thought so.
A lot of girls on Twitter are out here looking for that come up, and you rappers with incriminating DMs are the easiest targets. Do. Not. Be. A. Victim. You rappers move a few units and sell out a couple venues and think you’re untouchable, nah b. Anybody can be a victim if they don’t tip toe and thirst carefully with caution. I know you’re asking yourself, “How Do I Thirst With Caution?” Easy, anybody with a GED and basic math skills can follow the #3ThirstCommandments to avoid the infrared screen cap beam.
The #3ThirstCommandments can bring down the chances of you getting exposed, or DMing a girl that’s really a nigga in a 8-ball jacket and corduroy slacks. This has all been scientifically proven in the direct message medical lab. So trust me, all this shit is full proof.
#1 VocalThirst
Get her on the phone and make sure the chick you fell in thirst with doesn’t have a voice that’s deeper than yours. You don’t want anything incriminating to be in fine print and capable of being screen capped. Hoes out here are magical wizards when it comes to Photoshop, and being on a phone doesn’t even leave that possibility open.
#2 VisualThirst
Get her on Skype, Oovo, iChat or FaceTime. Your video chat options are damn near endless, use them wisely. If she refuses to video chat with you, vacate her DMs and report HIM as a spam and cheese omelet. If she doesn’t want to Skype, she’s really a man out on parole, this is a #FACT.
#3 InPersonThirst
The absolute safest form of thirst transportation. Live and in the flesh thirst is the best thirst. This reduces ALL chance of getting screen capped and exposed down to 0%. Get her to meet you in person in a public location, so you can know for sure she’s not really a 6’7″ power forward.
It’s that simple my niggas. The #3ThirstCommandments will help keep you from ever stepping foot inside the screen cap boobie traps that reside in the DM jungle. Just know that every pretty faced chick in your mentions isn’t your friend. Some of them have nothing but intentions of exposing you and getting the attention they desperately crave. It’s a cold world out here on these Twitter streets, just be careful who you DM.
Aight well I’m outta here, ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool. And if you see Plies anywhere near any recording equipment, do me a favor and shut down the electricity in the whole entire building.
Oh, and remember, if you take her out to breakfast after a one night stand ya’ll go together….#FACT
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